Shady Elyaski

October 11, 2019 is the date I got divorced from whom I envisioned to be my lifetime partner & best friend.

I haven’t publicly shared the news, in fact only a handful of people who really stood next to me during this hardship know some of the details. Today I decided to write about my vulnerable experience because the month of May is the mental health month and so I wanted to mainly remind myself of some setbacks and hopefully help others who may be going through similar situation.

Without digging into details, a year ago, I decided to move out of my marriage that lasted 2 years. I have lived some of my best moments (and some of the worst nightmares). It was the hardest decision ever to make. My life could easily be described as the Kingda Ka rollercoaster of Sixflags.

This all happened during when I was changing jobs to a substantially more challenging one, moving to a new place, preparing for my family’s visit & losing some of my closest friends through all this. It was tough, and I was deeply depressed. Really difficult to take all at once that I barely had any time to slowdown and reflect. I have been seeking out counseling for many months now to stay sane, which helped greatly, but I still need to work on a couple of things.

Overthinking

Overthinking kills, trust me. I have been a terrible overthinker throughout my life, not sure if this is something genetic or what. What I’m sure about that the fact of being an engineer makes it even worse.

You see, when you’re dealing with software, you’re constantly thinking about all the edge cases and worst case scenarios. You get penalized when you don’t test your code. Sadly, this doesn’t work nor scale with day-to-day life. I still can’t figure out the sweet spot of when to stop thinking and save some brain cells. Obviously I’m not advocating to be care-free. You still want to get your stuff together. But life ain’t a software, and no one can predict the future or prevent all the bad things from happening.

Do trust your gut feelings

This kind of relates to the topic above. As funny as it may sound, but your gut often times is more smarter than your brain. Always listen to it, it is trying to tell you something!

I have always had this internal fight between my brain & heart. You see, often times emotions defy any kind of logic. Make calculated risks and move on.

Happiness

This is a big topic that I still deem to be clueless about; I’m trying to understand what true happiness is. For me happiness is a temporary state, It is unquantifiable. It is completely different from one person to another. Should normal be happy? Is happiness the literal feeling of being un-happy? I read countless number of books on this subject and still trying to grasp it.

Every time I become un-happy I try to remind myself that this shall pass, and the best part is, this period makes me appreciate more the happy moments. It’s like if you didn’t eat anything for 3 days, then you found yourself with a bowl of instant noodles. This will probably be the best meal you have eaten in a while!

The problem is when I apply that concept backwards. Thinking that happiness won’t last either. Overly fearing going back to an unfortunate event. This makes me completely blind of the happy moments, and completely depressed and not fun.

What I have learned the most though, is that happiness comes from inner self. Nobody else and no external inputs provide any sustainable happiness. So stop looking for it outside yourself.

My counselor once said, I should learn how to be happy even if I lost everything I had! Scary when I think about it, but definitely true.

Perfectionism

Perfect is the biggest illusion ever. It’s impossible to be perfect at anything. Perfectionism is formula for failure & depression. Forget all the peer pressure, things you were taught in school. Stop trying to meet your family or culture’s standards. Nobody and nothing is perfect. So stop holding yourself back because you think it’s not perfect. Don’t expect others to be perfect too. Everybody has their own standards.

Every time I overdo something it tends to be worst than before. I tend to live in my own perfectionism bubble which sometimes reflect on others. Often times get disappointed by the results. So stop having expectations that everything will meet your standards.

Conditional marriage

Marriage should come with no strings attached. As long as faithfulness exists. I see it to be completely unfair to have any conditions to your marriage. Don’t settle for anything like that.

Although some marriages even survive treachery, don’t accept anything that threatens your marriage. This abusive behavior makes it completely unfair for both parties.

Also remember, people don’t change, and don’t expect them to. Truth to be told, they will never do, nor will you. People do evolve though, which is a natural phenomena of human beings. People can grow toward or against each other. So learn to accept those changes.

Think 100 times before doing anything that you may regret later

I have done things that I’m not proud of. Regret always follows those actions. Not only it hurts you, but also other people. Set your intentions right from the beginning.

Don’t hold grudges, forgive, forget & move on…

I need to remind myself not to keep holding on bad memories. Things that happened in the past are past and cannot be changed. Learn to accept them, learn the lesson, then let go. Forgive others, people make mistakes, I do mistakes all the time. I’m not a judge nor have any authority to punish them. So forgive, forgive, forgive….

What’s next?

Don’t forget to spread kindness across all words you say or actions you make, even when you’re mad. This is very difficult I know, but I realized that I tend to become not my best self when things go out of control.

Meditate, often. Always remember to breath and take things slower. Life does get frantic frequently and I tend to get overwhelmed and so act randomly.

Keep working on oneself, I’m by no means perfect, and I can’t be. I can only identify one issue at a time and work on fixing it. Improve my communication skills, develop higher emotional intelligence and true empathy towards others.

Love, respect & be kind to myself. I realized that by no means one can get into a relationship before they truly can respect themselves. I tend to be a giver, I find happiness and satisfaction when I provide, however, this sometimes fires back to me. Remember, it’s not selfish to prioritize looking after myself.

Keep doing what I enjoy doing. Currently I enjoy cycling a lot, and also got into running. Do crazy cycling trips. Travel more, meet new people. Move to a different state. Buy a house, start a new business or get promoted. World is my limit!

Closing notes

To me, this has been my saddest experience I have ever had. It taught me many lessons, it was eye-opening. With all it’s bad, I don’t regret it. Now I know that I have truly given it all my best and have taken the road all the way to the end.

Hope that you fall in love
And it hurts so bad (Yeah)
The only way you can know
You gave it all you had
And I hope that you don’t suffer
But take the pain
Hope when the moment comes,
You’ll say, I did it all

I lived, OneRepublic

If you have any comments or advice that could help, please leave them in the comments section. I truly hope everyone find their true happiness and love 🙏